In typical men’s fashion, Logan’s unburdening himself from any guilt from ending our FWB relationship by passing it on to me.
“You deserve to be with someone who will be a good partner for you. I’m just a distraction.”
Even though he might have good intentions, all he’s really doing is making me feel like I did something wrong. I was trying to distract myself. I’m 8 months out of a 5-year relationship, for the past 8 months I have done nothing but try to distract myself from what I’m feeling.
When FML and I broke up I lost my best friend. I lost the person I told everything to, I lost the person who knew me better than anyone, I lost the guy who helped me raise my dog, I lost the guy that helped me get through college, I lost the guy that I planned my future with. I was lost.
I’m not now. I see thing a little differently this month than the month before, so much has happened that as frustrated as I am at Logan for making me feel like I did something wrong, when I didn’t, I can’t help but feel like I wasn’t 100 per cent invested into that relationship, or the other guys I’ve dated or talked to, I stopped investing myself into relationships, losing that special person changed how I pursued new relationships.
Last weekend I met Jordan, very unexpectantly, we both have mutual friends that invited us for a beach weekend. It was a giant drinking fest mixed with hot sun, bathing suits and a little bit of drama. Jordan is trouble on a stick if I ever saw it. When I first pulled in, Courtney came over to greet me and show me around, she banged on the car window, giving me a quick jolt after a two-hour drive. The first person she introduced me to was Jordan, standing alone next to another girl. I was immediately attracted to him. We held each other’s eye contact as we exchanged hello’s, he looked me up and down and said something about my name being like his. I felt instantly drawn to him, his arm sleeve drew me in, his deep brown eyes, nice physique, the backwards hat – I was doomed.
Throughout the night Jordan and I would approach each other, flirting and chatting, we were both very, very drunk, so when I started dancing, I guess I put a message out there, because soon enough his hands were around my waist, we were slowly swaying, my hips sometimes dropping to the floor as he watched in awe at my flexibility, strongly provided to me by yoga and Smirnoff vodka. There was this other girl staying across the road, who barely spoke English, she was French, and she kept trying to hit on him. Then the first girl he was talking to went absolutely nuts on everybody, and I mean everybody. She yelled at Courtney, during a celebration of her engagement, which prompted Courtney’s other friends to get defensive. Her problem was basically that Jordan had previously hooked up with her, so she thought he owed her something. Upon talking to Jordan, I came to a different conclusion.
“I’ve only ever hung out with that girl twice, and now I never want to again; I don’t know what her deal is. She’s wasted I guess.”
“Your trouble, I can tell, I should stay away from you,” I replied in a joke.
“No, I’m not trouble, come back here,” he said as he pulled me closer towards him. He looked down at me, I looked up at him, we kissed. I felt myself feeling drawn to him for the rest of the night. Whenever I walked away, I felt him watching me, whenever I entered the room he was in, my eyes would immediately go look at him first before even watching where I was going.
The girl ended up being picked up by her baby’s father, a man she wasn’t in a relationship with anymore but also probably felt owed her something.
Women have been trained to some degree to think that if we sleep with a guy, he owes us something. We should never sleep with a guy, we aren’t in a relationship with, advice given to us by other women who have no idea what they are doing. The truth is they don’t owe us anything just because we had sex with them, it doesn’t imply they have to be our boyfriend or keep having sex with just us. If you put it in reverse, most guys would say they don’t have that expectation out of any women, nor would women want them to.
Jordan explained his regret in making decisions like that to me, I have no idea how sincere he was being as the amount of alcohol lying around outweighed the amount of people. At times, I was positive he was trying to impress me, telling me he’ll protect me as the fire reached unmanageable heights, putting his arm around me as another guy tried to flirt with me, pulling me in towards him and pushing the other guy away at the same time.
Jordan and I cuddled and kissed our way though that weekend, even knowing that we were going to leave to separate cities on Sunday. I was very attracted to him, he kept telling me he thought I was gorgeous, and would cuddle with me openly in front of our friends, even after last night’s drama.
Prior to all of this, I had been on 3 dates the week before with 3 different guys, all of whom I had met online, and I was interested in 0 out of 3.
But I was interested in the one from last weekend who I met in person, and who made me feel like a person again for the first time since the pandemic started. It felt so nice to hit on someone and be hit on in such a natural way, it was natural selection at its best.
“Online dating is a dumpster dive,” Courtney politely reminded me over the weekend, as we celebrated her engagement to a guy we’ve known since high school. Courtney and I’s friendship was going on it’s 25th year, an anniversary not seemingly important but the longest relationship I’ve ever been in.
“I know Courtney, but sometimes you find a guy when you pop out of the dumpster for air and he helps you climb out, dust yourself off and walk back into the sun.”