Modern Dating: The Crazy X

Things had been going good with FML and I, we seemed to be communicating better, he wanted me around so I visited him at his place a couple hours away for three days. We ran along the beach together, stopping for kisses by the water. When I woke up in the morning his arms were around me holding me close. But just as life does, it gives you lemons .. I mean lessons.

“It’s like finding the right pair of pants.” My old friend Raymond and I were wandering around the terrace in my condo building downtown, looking at all the vendors that set up for a small market day. Just as we were tasting a slice of pineapple cake, I thought he may have just said the best dating analogy I’ve ever heard.

“Dating?” I asked smiling at him.

“Yea,” he replied nonchalantly. “Dating is like finding the right pair of pants. Not all of them are going to fit.”

“Wow that may have been the smartest thing I’ve ever heard.” We laughed as we looked at a local vendor’s booth selling oddly shaped vegetables. The vendor offered us some free samples that were the size of a gumball but looked exactly like a watermelon. I popped a mini watermelon in my mouth and got a shocking lemon flavour in return. It was one of the best things I’ve ever eaten.

“I’d like to buy a case of these.” I said to the vendor as I fished some cash out of my purse.

“Yea they were really good, what are they?” Ray asked me as we walked away from the booth.

“No idea. Let’s go to the comedy show now, we have to drop these off first though.”

“Are you sure, these seem like the best thing to snack on at a comedy show.” Ray said as he picked one of the mini watermelons up to eat.

We walked downtown around the block and downstairs into the basement of an office building where the Gemini Theatre was. Next to that was Naughty Nucks, a grungy looking poutine place that was known for it’s comedy shows. We paid the expensive cover fee and sat down to watch our old co worker perform his set.

After a few comedians and a large pulled pork poutine I could tell Ray was getting antsy. He was used to having the mic in his hand as a radio DJ.

The comedian on stage was making jokes about how crazy his girlfriend is and just then Ray yells out “Yeah, I feel you brother.”

“Oh yeah, what happened what yours do?” The comedian asked him, all eyes at our table, that is just the two of us.

“It’s my ex girlfriend now, she smashed my phone when we were on vacation together. My family was there and they had been fighting with me about her and she heard about it and she never trust me or anyone so she started going through my phone then she just threw it at the wall and it smashed.” Ray was happily having his Dr. Phil moment but he seemed unaware that we were at a comedy show and not inside of a room with mental health professionals.

“Wow that’s crazy and is this her?” He asked pointing at me as I ate a mouthful of poutine.

“No. No this is my friend.”

“Rebound!” A random guy yelled out from the audience.

“Well now we know why she didn’t trust you eh?” The comedian said winking on stage.

“No no, my ex girlfriend is actually psycho.” Ray yelled out again.

“Yeah well that’s enough of that because this isn’t the Jerry Springer show. So you guys know how rough the pandemic was right? Made everyone isolated. Weird. Everyone got a little weird. Everyone stopped socializing as much, you maybe talked to the 5 people in your “circle” and that was it. It made some people so unable to come back and socialize properly that they just start yelling their problems out now at local comedy shows.” He said gesturing towards Ray and I.

“We have to get out of here.” I whispered to Ray.

“We haven’t seen Graham yet. I think he’s been outside this whole time.” Ray replied looking around.

“Good. I can’t believe you just did that.” I said laughing with him.

A new comedian came on stage and within their first two minutes made a joke about a guy who came to a comedy show and started yelling about how his girlfriend smashed his phone and he doesn’t know why while he’s on a date with a hot chick.

“I will never go to a comedy show with you ever again.” I whispered to Ray as the waiter took away our empty plate. The waiter looked at me and snickered before leaving. I looked at Ray in disbelief and he tried to not make eye contact as he laughed.

I got home later and popped some of the lemon flavoured vegetables into my mouth. They tasted better after a long evening. I saw a call pop up on my phone from FML.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hi babe, how was the show?”

“Well I don’t think well be going back anytime soon.”

“That bad of a show?”

“It was a great show I just didn’t think cast members had to pay the entrance fee.”

“You were in the show?”

“By accident. Ray thought we were going to see Dr. Phil.”

“What did he do?”

“Well I think at least 40 or 50 people in this city now know that his ex girlfriend is crazy. He just yelled it out, like he does, and that was that. I think all 5 comedians that came on stage made jokes about it except Graham who missed the best part of the show in my opinion.”

“Girls are crazy.” Fml joked.

“Yea you got one of those crazy ex girlfriends I should know about?”

“Oh you know her.” He said, I could hear him smiling and it made me smile too.

“That’s great, tonight I’ve been called crazy and a rebound.”

“Who called you a rebound?” FML asked confused.

“I don’t know, some guy in the audience.” I said snacking on another strange vegetable.

“You could never be a rebound babe.”

“Why’s that?” I asked smiling.

“Your the real thing.” He answered softly.

“Maybe I’m just your pair of pants.”

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