Modern Dating: Building Blocks

Modern Dating: Article #10

05/18/21


So, I was out for drinks with my sister, Chelsea and a few friends when the discussion of dating came up, online to be more specific. Chelsea’s old roommate Lily told us a story of a mutual friend and how she has been talking to a man online for over a year now — without ever meeting him. All I could say in response was the typical, “She knows she’s being catfished right?” I couldn’t fathom how you could chat with someone online or through video messages for over a year without ever meeting? What if you see him for the first time and he looks totally different, maybe he was hiding it? I’ve noticed that I’m one of those people that if I like you, I’m going to want to see you in person because I know I’m attractive and that my personality is better that way. I get bored of the texting game online dating has created and yes, I am only two and half months into it.

I would never advise any of my friends or any females to pursue a relationship this way. The guys I’m seeing now (two – Ryan and Cameron) have built a solid relationship with me because we saw each other. Granted I would have waited longer to meet Ryan, had he not called me one Saturday, we spent 3 hours talking and 3 hours texting before that. So that in my books was our first date, as I really hadn’t meant to spend the whole night talking to him. I met him the next Friday and he was way better looking than his pictures. He was so much more confident and engaging than I thought he’d be, needless to say we made out pretty quick. So why wait? IMO, to build a relationship you need solid blocks to stand on first. You need to make mistakes and see how the other reacts, you need to also have chemistry or why bother would be my other opinion. Solid chemistry that comes from the first sight is rare, which is why I’m not really trying to let Ryan go anytime soon but we’ve only been seeing other for two weeks, so I do need to slow it down.

And then there’s Cameron, who I really wasn’t sure about at first. We met on Bumble, he’s cute, strong arms, long brown hair, 5-month-old Bernese mountain dog that my dog would like. Sometimes I’m still not sure if I’m looking for a boyfriend or a friend for my dog. Cameron and I chatted on Bumble for about a month before I gave him my snapchat, and then he quickly asked me on a date for a walk in the park with the pups. It was cute, a little awkward like any first date, he didn’t exactly look like his photos to me but I was still attracted to him. And than fast forward to a week later when I met him for our second date. I was unsure about him, I didn’t even exactly dress up, not to the extent I did for Ryan, I’m pretty sure I wore the same underwear I had worked out in earlier. And than to my surprise a completely different Cameron stood in front of me, my nerves shot through my stomach and all I could think was “No! No! Idiot!” I quickly checked the mirror upon parking my car (might I add horribly, he was watching and my nerves went crazy so I parked like an orangutan would) I regretted not putting foundation on. He had his shoulder length hair slicked back, sexy man beard, tight grey shirt with arms trying to break free. I was mad at myself for not taking this second date seriously, this guy was pretty hot. This is the other problem with online dating, don’t wait too long to meet that person because you really just don’t know them until you’ve spent time together. Cameron and I didn’t need a month of talking online before we saw each other, the chemistry on the second date was very much there. And I don’t think he or I remembered much of what we talked about over that month because we also had been talking to other people. But I remember everything since that, he’s turned out to be a really good guy, even calls the next day after we had sex too early.

“To build a relationship, you need solid blocks to stand on first.”

Jus

Justine Fraser
@jusreadingbooks
@justinefrasers

Modern Dating: Hot, warm and cold

Modern Dating: Article #9

 Title: Hot, warm and cold

The rules of online dating have become clear to me now. Any mention of sex will be construed the wrong way and you end up in a certain category in that person’s head that you probably don’t want to be in. This works for guys too, I had the greatest video call with a guy I had been chatting up for the past couple weeks, it was fun, I was a little nervous, he was cute, we had things in common. I decided to end the call after 20 or so minutes not wanting to push our luck also it was almost midnight. He texted me immediately afterwards saying “You are so cute.” Then a message or two later sent me a pic, I open it and bam! A random dick in my face! Seriously, why do you men think women want this? Did he think it would turn me on? Of course, like any other girl I ignored it, he than proceeded to try and video call me again. All I can say is I think it is obvious why I didn’t answer. We never talked again. I don’t understand why men feel the need to mislead women. Women are probably better at separating and compartmentalizing relationships than men, we do it every day anyways, organization is a women’s happy place. Being 29, I have been separating boys like their laundry for a while now and it works, you’ll end up less hurt and feeling empowered. Men go into 3 piles, hot, warm or cold. The ones that send you dick pics go into your cold pile. IE: be cold to them, only talk to them when you want to, don’t let them send you dick pics you don’t want and don’t give them the romantic stuff, they don’t want it and you don’t need to get hurt. The warm pile is my safe zone after a breakup because it’s filled with guys from the hot pile but you have to play games right so every once in awhile you give them a flirty message but you don’t ever mention sex unless you want to throw that guy right into the cold pile. The guys in the warm pile are just trying to get to know you, they ask a lot of questions, this is great. Sometimes these guys also become your FB’s, this is even better. Many FBs turn into serious relationships, that just seems to be what we do as humans these days so make sure you stay in the warm zone if you do start to like him, don’t put him in the cold pile too quick, unless he sends you a dick pic than maybe just lose that shirt. So for the hot pile you have to be ready for a relationship because the hot pile is full of the good guys, in this category is where you put the guys you see yourself having a long term relationship with, and once their in this category it is really hard to ever take them out so be careful, if your unsure stick em in the warm pile, make him prove himself. Men love competition, they like knowing they had to win your heart or sex, so you won’t actually have to try too hard. If a guy has already put you in his hot pile, he will pursue you. Be warned though, guys who put you in their cold pile will sometimes pursue you in a similar way so they can wear you once and toss you away.

Written by: @justinefrasers

At- Home Facial

I’ve perfected the best at-home facial that you will love too, thanks to the stay at-home orders in Ontario. It’s also way cheaper than my normal spa routine so that’s a bonus too. I miss going to get facials but this past year I’ve been staying home like everyone else, after doing some research I’ve found a great facial that you can use once every two weeks to stay rejuvenated, looking healthy and feeling relaxed.

*Amazon Affiliate Marketing Partner

First- wash all the makeup off your face and eyes, start fresh. Rinse your face with warm water and your favorite cleanser ( I use St. Ives Green Tea cleanser from Shoppers Drug Mart, it’s cheap, natural and works) , rinse off again and pat dry. Fill your face steamer with water and turn on. If you don’t have a face steamer you can buy one online with Amazon such as the one listed below. Their great for getting you relaxed, opening up the pores, hydrating your face, cleansing your sinuses and more. Find your comfy space, tell Alexa to play spa music on Spotify and enjoy your steam for about 20 minutes. Don’t put your face too close to the steam.

Second. After your done a refreshing steam, scrub your face using your fav face scrub, again I use St. Ives apricot scrub, it’s a great go to and works for my sensitive skin. You can find it also on Amazon. Let sit on your face for 2 – 3 minutes before rinsing off with warm water.

Third, after rinsing pat dry with a warm towel. If you have a face roller like the one below than this is a good time to use it to relax. ( I like to freeze mine for better results) Make sure to roll over your T – zone area and on the corners of your eyes as these are pressure points, when you massage pressure points you release pressure and you feel better, Enjoy!

Lastly use a face mask that suits your skin type I like to use a lighter one like Vichy’s on my sensitive skin. They have a few different types I like their mineral mask, my skin always feels better after. Leave the mask on your face for 10 minutes, get some mediation in, listen to your spa playlist. Rinse with warm water and pat dry. Make sure to also use your face cleansers, masks and moisturizers on your neck area.

After your face is dry, use an eye serum that suits your needs. I like OleHenrikson’s vitamin c banana bright eye booster available on Sephora but it is a bit pricey. Use a light layer of your fav facial oil. Let that set in while you turn your facial steamer back on and use for another 10 minutes to rehydrate.

After that use a light layer of moisturizer on your face and neck. I enjoy L’oreal Paris’s selection, their great products that work at affordable prices. But I do also love more than anything OleHenrickson’s vitamin C face creme gel that’s also available on Sephora. Let sit in for a couple minutes and enjoy another moment of relaxation before your at-home spa treatment finishes.

Enjoy your time to yourself as it my be hard to shut reality out while at -home. Provide yourself with a spa like atmosphere so you can enjoy your facial to its fullest!

Written by yours truly, Jus Fraser

Modern Dating: PTBS

PTBS = Post Traumatic Breakup Stress

Can we ever really go back to having a f**k buddy when we’ve had such passionate sex with someone we truly loved? Men tend to not care about their sex partner the way women do, some men are different and appreciate connection, some just are happy to fuck as many women as they can. This is where the modern women gets lost.

I just came home from a pandemic date, pand-date, still thinking of the right word, which is what I’m calling dating during this time period as a lockdown has made it impossible to meet for a drink or go to a movie, there is no simple how to guide. For women, we get told don’t go on a hike for a first date or back to his place, that’s how you get murdered. But truly without those options I will remain single and die alone. Because I have chosen not to let the pandemic ruin my life I have to keep going on dates even when the pandepression sets in. Which yes, we all know what pandepression is, it’s different for everyone but everyone is feeling like they lost something or someone. Men are no different, after talking to like 20 of them on Bumble, I learned something, their just as lonely as we are and some just are using sex as a timewaster until this thing ends. I hate that Bumble has this statistic online that says most people on Bumble are looking for relationships, that’s just not true. Once you add them on Snapchat or text message it becomes a whole new ball game.

My first pandemic date ended the exact way it probably should. I knew the first time I dated or attempted anything after FML would be a complete disaster, I have no idea how to be single anymore and being a single women in a pandemic is insanely hard sometimes. I missed having FML to go grocery shopping with, even wearing masks he always made me laugh.

So, my first pandemic date and I met for coffee, drove around for half an hour talking and getting to know each other, he took me back to his place. I left my car parked in the mall, we walked up the stairs through the cement building through some steel doors, through a huge parking lot, through the cement stairs and that is when I started to get worried, I was going to get murdered (like any sane women would.) I was surprised he wasn’t walking with me he stayed a foot a head being kind of odd, like could he not tell I was about to run away in pure panic. I honestly started to have so much anxiety I thought I might pass out. My friend Courtney’s voice rang in my head though “Don’t be a baby, just go.” So, I was off to go have a one-night stand, in pure hopes in might be worth it. It wasn’t. I didn’t have sex with the guy. He made me feel pressured and I wanted to have fun, again the difference in men and women’s thoughts about sex right there. He wants to do something bad and I want to have fun. I’m a Cyndi Lauper song, “Girls just want to have fun.”

Written by: Justine Fraser

Modern Dating: Lockdown

Modern Dating: Article #7

Title: Lockdown

Writer: Justine Fraser

Ontario and my heart are both on lockdown. Until they can get their shit together, they need to stay home.

Something I’ve learned recently is that time has a way of unveiling to you how romantic your relationship with someone really was. Little things will trigger you to remember moments between the two of you that you usually never thought about. Remembering how we acted before the pandemic made me realize how much those moments changed over time. He went from holding my hand over the dinner table at a fancy restaurant to eating dinner while watching tv night after night. We went from weeklong vacations away just us- to weeks after weeks of being alone in an apartment. We went from seeing the best in each other to seeing each other at our lowest.

There is no road map or books about how couples can get through the pandemic, they just make their way through and hopefully you will end up stronger on the other side. Or you’ll be like me and become stronger on your own, you’ll learn to trust yourself in ways you didn’t think you had to, you’ll learn to take your time with decisions, to not let the pandemic rush you or slow you down.

You know that Taylor Swift lyric – “Boys only want love if it’s torture.” FML made me believe it, no matter how much I gave or towards the end gave up for him, he didn’t see it. It isn’t that it didn’t matter to him, it’s that he didn’t see it. To really understand FML and mine’s 5 year relationship you need to know that every once in awhile we breakup, get back together (this is not one of those times…I hope.) And during the breakup, the days on end where I won’t message him, won’t give him what I used to, that’s when he comes back because that’s when he sees it. He seems to be short sighted though because he never remembers the things he promises me when we do get back together. Hence the torture part for me.

The more I talk to my friends though, the more I realize I’m not the only one feeling tortured. My friend Courtney’s divorce had started to enter an ugly stage. Their 10 year relationship was insignificant to him now, I knew that pain would be unbearable for her as it would be too many women. Men seem to write off their previous relationships, call the women crazy so they don’t have to explain the pain they caused, they seem to always walk away unscarred while us women always come out with a chip on our shoulder.

Why is it that men move on so easily? Or is it all just an act?

Jus
@justinefrasers

Modern Dating: Series Finales

Modern Dating: Article 6
03/30/2021

Series Finales

There I was, a month into our breakup sitting on the couch eating a burger and watching season 4 of True Blood.  This is it, this is how girls become that girl. At this point, I only have 8 episodes left might as well see it through, see how this fairy in love with vampires story ends. Hopefully it won’t be like one of those endings to a show that just makes you wonder why you watched the show in the first place. In a way, great relationships are like great TV shows, they can grab your attention, make you happy or sad and leave you feeling empty if you don’t get what you wanted 8 seasons in.

We invest in relationships like we invest in our favourite shows. We all have endings to shows that warmed our hearts and some relationships end like that, than some end like Dexter and your like, “why did I watch someone get murdered for 7 years if the serial killer never gets caught or changes his ways.” After 5 years of investing in someone I felt the someway as I did when I finished watching Dexter like I just seen someone get murdered over and over but there was no point to it. And yes, that is dramatic but after 5 years you rack up history with someone.

Can we ever get a great ending to a great relationship that leaves us feeling satisfied or will we always want more than the ending we got.

Are some relationships never ending like the Simpsons or South Park, or are those simply not real people?

Justine Fraser

Modern Dating: Article 5

I’m not sure how any women can complain about a guy when you can buy a robot. We have robots all around us, boyfriends helping us, (except for Alexa IMO she’s like that creepy girl that your boyfriend claims is just a friend, like why is that betch always around) they do our chores, our laundry, they drive us places. I’ve gotten so bad I’ll claim I’m vacuuming while the Roomba rolls around under my feet while I sit there drinking coffee.

“Robots are the new boyfriend.”

– Justine Fraser

From handheld devices that help us in bed to the dishwasher, robots are the new boyfriend. They even make Roombas now that mop your floor, this gives way to a more independent women, a woman who doesn’t care if she doesn’t have time to clean because her boyfriends at home will do it.

I feel like I can live without a guy but I can’t live without my Robots.  My friend Courtney would tell you I’m slightly in love with my Roomba. I’m more impressed by this robot than any man I’ve dated. Sure! FML would do the dishes or sweep the floor but I can’t turn him on or off whenever I want, empty out the bad stuff and start over.

Justine Fraser

Note: IMO = in my opinion

Modern Dating: Article 4

You know for the past couple months I kept thinking “I’m old now, I should give up these teenage dreams and settle. I’m old.” A lot of this, in my theory, is when you hit 28 suddenly you look around and you’re the only single girl left at the poker table. Your friends are getting married, having kids or buying homes. There is this inane pressure that if you’re not doing that your failing, which as you get more life experience under your belt, you soon realize is not true at all.

For a minute there, I was ready to settle, to give up what I had been working for and just take the job because it is good money. But it was more of a gamble than a settlement. I thought to myself, “If you take this job for the next couple years, will I ever be able to still be doing what I loved or will I have to settle and keep doing this job for the rest of my life.” The thought made me realize I’m not old at all, I’m just in a different place in my life than I was when I was 23 and I charted out this map for myself. I don’t have the same affinity to please my parents anymore. I’m in a different place after spending 5 years with FML. I’m in a different place after moving last month. I don’t see the map anymore it’s more like I see what’s in front of me, I’m just not there yet. I feel like I’m young and fresh into the new stage of my life, leaving behind an old version of myself.

My hope? This translates into my dating life as well. As much as a piece of my heart will forever by FML’s, I know there is going to be someone else in my future who will be part of the new stage, maybe it will be more than one relationship, maybe I’ll never get married or have a family but for once I can say, I’m excited for the new stage.

I watched Beyonce’s documentary a few years ago, in it I remember her saying “Eventually you look back and all the little pieces of your life start to add up.”

J. Fraser

Modern Dating: Article 3

When getting over a very loved and recent boyfriend there are a few different types of cries you will have to endure. Some people have a mathematical formula for how long it should take to get over an ex. Personally, I think it depends on the relationship itself, what happened between you two and how long you’ve been together. Thus, there is no right or wrong time frame. After 5 years with FML I needed to do things differently, I was trying to avoid several serious cry’s I knew were coming.

After 3 weeks I started to feel it and today I cried about it for the first time since it happened. I call it the “Oh my god, he’s gone.” cry. Women tend to be more emotional about things that men probably don’t even think about, which sucks ladies I know but its just true. I like to limit how much or how long I cry for, a couple minutes is fine, once I go past 10, it’s time to get up and go do something else. After 5 years I think I’ve learned what is and isn’t worth being hurt over, what their behavior is really saying and how to handle it. If FML actually went to a therapist guaranteed he’d get diagnosed with several disorders, but he won’t and I won’t so we have to live with each other’s disorders.

Another type of cry that is coming after your breakup- “the my bed is empty without you.” cry. I suffer from a slight rage component with this one as well. I’ll wake up in a bad mood, for whatever reason, once or twice I woke up crying, just wanting to go back to sleep or just wanting him to be there, holding me in his arms, kissing my forehead. Which is where the slight rage component comes in because he hurt me which is why he’s not there but I’m still hurt because I want him there and than I’m mad at myself for still wanting him after that. Like I said I won’t get help for my disorders either.

Another type of cry to expect- “is he sleeping with someone else cry.” Whether or not it’s true, be prepared, this ones actually the hardest because it comes with a form of acceptance that sucks to live with. If you can’t accept what is happening, accept why are crying, accept what they are doing, you will fall victim to your mind’s mind games. Our brains have no problem turning against ourselves but struggle to turn on the person whose hurting us. Is it cause love blinds us? Perhaps. Our brains lie to us to make us feel better, it creates fantasies and puts people on pedestals that maybe they never deserved.

My friend Courtney was having her own problems at the time I contemplated this, her ex called her crying, wanting her back, she’s engaged to someone else, she cried because he left her for someone else but she knows she wants him. Her kids are happy, celebrating birthdays while mommy and daddy are celebrating a divorce, neither of them seem to really want. On my friend’s list she’s probably top for people I can’t give advice to, because the whole situation is messy.

Life gets messy and than we cry.